“Edward Not-So-Sharp” Goes to Hell (And Loves It)

My dad is not a fan of cities, and he is REALLY not a fan of “The City.”  When I told him we were moving to New York City, a year and a half ago, he was not happy.  His one and only condolence was that we were not moving to San Francisco.  Everyday for the first six months we lived here, at some point between 5:30 p.m. and 6:30 p.m., my dad would utter these words:  “Why would you leave heaven to go to hell?“  (My dad calls me everyday when he gets off work because he has a long, boring commute and wants me to “talk him home.”)

My dad has stopped asking that question, but he still hasn’t hopped on a plane to come visit.  I would really like him to.  He says it’s hard for him to take off work.  I would believe that, if it wasn’t for the question.  I mean–why would you leave heaven to go to hell?  Because hell is fun!  (And also because you have a terrific daughter who lives there!)

A Crime of Passion

My dad’s kitchen knives leave something to be desired.  I know this because every time I try to cook something at his house, I nearly chop off one of my fingers.  My husband and I bought him a good knife set for Christmas, hoping to improve his life.  When my sister-in-law saw the knife set she said, “He’s not going to use them; he likes his old one–the one with the broken tip.”  Apparently, at some point, she had also bought him a knife, which he proceeded not to use.

On Christmas Eve, my large, extended family was gathered around my father’s kitchen table discussing the knife situation.  My uncle said, “You should take that old knife and bury it in the backyard.”  I laughed it off.  However, a few days later, somewhere between Kansas City and Indianapolis, I began to regret my inaction.  It was too late.  I couldn’t drive back to Oklahoma.  I needed an accomplice.

Over the course of the next month, I began to work on my brothers.  They were tough nuts to crack!  My baby brother (and my father’s favorite child) eventually proved to be the weakest link and agreed to mail me the knife for my birthday.  Well, now it’s here!

Edward Not-So-Sharp Goes to The City

It is not my intention to permanently deprive my father of his old, trusty knife, better known by me as “Edward Not-So-Sharp.”  No, it is my intention to use Edward to demonstrate how much fun life in New York City can be.  It is my intention to make Edward into a travel icon, like the gnome in the movie Amélie.  Who knows, maybe my dad will come rescue him?

So here is the puzzle:  What can you do to a knife to make it a travel icon (and not get arrested or shot)?

Edward has a bit of a problem; namely, he is a knife.  A rather big knife.  Edward might intimidate certain people if he were to go traipsing around New York City looking like so.  What can we do to Edward to make him a little less intimidating?  What should he wear to the party?  A shark hat?  Googly eyes and spectacles?  Or does he need a full on body suit, like a dinosaur costume or maybe Lamb Chop (see below)?

Anatomy of a Crime