My Dog, Beaker

Your favorite meeing muppet has been reincarnated in the form of a dog and lives in my apartment.  You might think, “That’s awesome!”  Let me assure you, it is not.

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I used to think Dexter Beaker was autistic.  He just didn’t pick up on social cues like his older sister did.  For the first two years of his life he was completely mute.  His idea of communication was to follow me around and stare at me with beady, emotionless eyes, willing me to read his mind.  This drove me crazy because I could never figure out what he wanted or needed, if he needed anything at all.

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Unfortunately, I did not how great I had it to be the lucky owner of a mute, slightly autistic dog.  One day, not long after we moved to New York, Beaker discovered he had lungs.  I was elated.  My baby had learned to speak!  I was so taken up in the moment that I catered to his every whim for two days, thus creating a MONSTER.

“Mee” is now the sound of request, the sound of displeasure, unhappiness and terror.  Since Beaker is an Italian greyhound and, thus, continuously in a state of terror or displeasure, “mee” is the sound that he makes all day whenever he is not sleeping.

Mee is the sound he makes when hungry or thirsty or unsatisfied with his culinary options.

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Mee is the sound he makes when he wants to go outside (while lying in the bed.)

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Mee is the sound he makes when his bowl is too close to the toilet.  Mee is the sound he makes when disapproving of the temperature of our home.  Mee is the sound he makes when he sees things he doesn’t want see.

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There is a very good reason Beaker only makes two-minute appearances on the Muppets.  While two minutes equals cute, five minutes equals mildly annoying.  Try twenty-four hours, seven days a week.  It’s enough to drive a otherwise sane human caretaker to muppet-cide.  Ode to Joy!

Nano Poblano

NaBloPoMo November 2014

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6 thoughts on “My Dog, Beaker

  1. Scene at Wormy’s house. Beaker: Meee. Wormy: You! Beaker: Me. Wormy: You!! Beaker: Meeeeeee. Wormy: Why, you?!

    Funny, but not. Your poor ears, Wormy. And well-drawn husband has found his earplugs comfortable?

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    1. Ha ha! Yeah, it’s grating and a constant battle of wills. I always tell myself: Be smarter than the dog; be smarter than the dog. It is harder than you might think, especially given how dull IG’s are supposed to be. Whenever I’m at my wits end, I just pull out every human parenting technique I know. Those are usually surprisingly effective, proving that there is not much difference between a dog and a two-year-old.

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      1. My dear wife Karen and I use our skills on Ellie B aka Dogamous Pyle to somewhat similar effect, so, I so totally relate, Wormy. Ellie B tries to boss me around. She barks with a TONE to it. It would be funny if I didn’t get irritated after the third or fourth time when I’m trying to write during the day, when Karen is at work … It’s OK, you want to go out in the backyard again. LIke 15 minutes ago. I love my dog, I really do. 🙂

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